TEKST: BRUCE WENHAM

Just starting out on your career? If you're a new graduate trainee- say 25, you're thinking "just another 40 years in the office to go". - Wrong!

Oh - you thought that at 65 you'd be retiring - heading for that serene, sun-lit, green golf course? Wake up! - you're living in cloud-cuckoo-land!

Ten million Britons lost Ł10,000 each this summer from their company pension plans as a result of the Enron and WorldCom accounting scandals. Leszek Miller's government has just withdrawn from plans to stop pensioners working part-time. People are living longer and demographic changes will force us to reconsider how we structure our lives. The UK, like most Western nations, has an ageing population. As the baby-boomer generation approaches retirement, there will be fewer people working to support them.

Advances in medicine are increasing life expectancy. So now you're 25, will retire at 85 and kick the bucket at 100. But wait a minute - then it will be 2062 - and you'll have a bionic heart with newly-cloned kidneys, liver and lungs, won't you? (not to mention those anti-Alzheimer's pills). Life expectancy will have increased to 150! You're retiring at 120 man!

The trend for developed countries will be fewer and older people. Imagine the future cities of Germany in 2070- crowds of silver-haired pedestrians walking between shining glass, steel and chrome kilometre-high skyscrapers. We need to find ways for them to work! (plug 'em into the web as content uploaders, something like Neo was in the Matrix)

But in reality in the West the 21st Century will be ruled by the old - as the baby boomer generation ages in the next decade, the over-60s will own the majority of financial assets and possess awesome spending power. They will demand changes! Imagine the beaches of Spain, Italy and Greece - rows of rich, old, bronzed, wrinkled bodies frying on white, sandy beaches - while poor, young, handsome servants in their 20s mix cocktails for grandads raving in Ibiza!

There will also emerge a new, wealthy, super-fit and active army of workers over 60 - experienced staff with key skills. They'll continue working after retirement - or go into business.

Phased retirement will become standard: moving to part-time work, by gradually scaling back hours.

Others will want to start new careers or capture long-lost dreams - "in August Granny and Grandad are going scuba diving off the great barrier reef - next summer their trekking in the Amazon jungle, then in 2075 it's a last-minute package tour to the ISS II".

VOCABULARY

assets - any objects, tangible or intangible, that are of value to its possessor
baby-boomer - a person born during a baby boom, esp that which followed World War II
bionic - superhuman, esp with parts of the body replaced with electronic/mechanical devices
cloud-cuckoo-land - an imaginary situation or land, esp due to impractical or wishful thinking
'em - them
ISS II - International Space Station II
kick-the-bucket - to die
man - a word of familiar address
pedestrians - walkers, travelling on foot
plug into - to connect (an electrical apparatus, etc) with the electricity supply by inserting a plug into a socket
retirement - the act of withdrawing from society, office, public or active life, business, profession etc
scuba - self-contained underwater breathing apparatus, used by skin-divers, consisting of a breathing tube attached to cylinders of compressed air
serene - calm, unclouded
staff - a body of people employed in an establishment, usu on management, administration, clerical, etc, work as distinct from manual
trekking - making a long, hard journey, usu on foot

TEKST: BRUCE WENHAM

Roger picked up the heavy computer monitor and held it high, where it swayed ominously over his boss's head like for eternity - before sending it crashing in slow motion through the 86th floor window of the skyscraper he plodded to work everyday. Then suddenly Roger woke up, drenched in sweat. Sweet relief - he was safe (for now), back in the real world.

That's just a repeating dream Roger has every morning at 5.32. Reason? - his computer has been crashing all the time recently - and his boss has been shouting at him because he got Anne, his personal assistant, to order powdered coffee creamer instead of real cream for the coffee.

How is your workplace? Is it quite calm or is it seething with rage? When was the last time you swore in frustration at your monitor, tears running down your cheeks - just because Internet Explorer froze again? Or when your boss shouts at you, do you in turn shout at your subordinate and give him the most sadistic tasks (something like what you did to your cat when mum shouted at you).

The 90s were a decade characterised by stress, especially in Britain, when we first encountered the phenomenon of "road rage". Drivers began shouting, fighting and even killed each other over minor disputes on the roads and motorways. What was going wrong? Were people watching too much EastEnders? Then they even started doing it on 747s in Business Class between London and New York at 20,000 ft and we had "air rage". In the office - stress, competitive pressures, poor communication and uncomfortable working environments have given us "work rage".

Well, if a repeating dream comes hauntingly to you at 5.32 in the dim light of dawn like Roger's - there's help on the way.

A growing industry of anger consultants are offering companies the option to send a really bad-tempered employee on an anger management course. But what would you learn on such a course?

Well, when your colleague has made a cock-up, never shout at him: "you useless idiot! '. That's humiliating and frightening! Besides - as soon as you get angry you've lost the argument. Instead explain calmly what they have done wrong. Next, very seriously say 'I'm feeling very angry at this moment'. Finally admit 'Yes, well, I too sometimes make cock-ups'.

In this way you're showing that your human as well! (don't worry - the Men in Black aren't in the neighbourhood yet)

The best way of dealing with anger is to understand and decipher your deep, inner emotions. You have to come to terms with that remaining anger originating from your childhood (every morning you had to put on that silly Harry Potter school uniform).

VOCABULARY

747 - the 'Jumbo Jet', the world's largest commercial passenger jet from Boeing

cock-up - a muddle, mess, confusion

come to terms with - find a way of living with some personal trouble or difficulty

crashing - 1. making a noise by breaking (glass) or being crushed by falling; rushing to destruction 2. a computer system/program/application completely breaking down

EastEnders - a very popular (and very stressful!) BBC soap, based on the lives of characters (EastEnders) living in Albert Square in the 'East End' - the eastern part of London, inhabited by poorer people.

hauntingly - repeatedly coming back, visiting frequently

humiliating - injuring self-respect or pride

ominously - pertaining to or containing an omen; portending evil

plodded - walked heavily and laboriously

powdered - reduced to powder e. g. (of food) through dehydration and crushing

rage - madness, overpowering anger

seething - agitated (by anger)

skyscraper - a very high building designed to maximise office space due to a lack of ground space, increasing cost of land and the growth of modern cities

swayed - moved swingingly or sweepingly from side to side

workplace - the office or factory etc where one works

A nation of people are sitting at their desks and avoiding whatever simple operations they are supposed to be performing. Thousands of creative information workers are clicking and scrolling, abusing internet access to escape from this hot summer's boredom in the office.

Are you also dying of boredom at work? Signs to indicate this are e. g. You're reading THIS aren't you? Or you discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Grzegorz Kołodko dripping in gold with a new David Beckham hairstyle, or you are no longer content with merely photocopying your bum - you now scan it, and then distort it using Adobe Photoshop's filters.

In the past managers, lawyers and authors had the "creative" jobs. In this age of the digital revolution we are now experiencing the rise of a creative class consisting of a clone army of Dilberts: software engineers and programmers. But let's face it - most poor souls are still working in the boring service class - broom-pushers, cashiers, clerical workers, customer-service representatives, ASCO security guards, combined food preparation and serving workers - "would you like to upgrade your Big Mac meal to XXL for an extra zloty, Sir? ' (please, for Christ's sake, just give me the meal!).

But what do you expect from work - a potential form of personal expression and a source of deeper meaning of the universe? Work is just work - for the dosh right? You can't expect anything else than boredom from work. Even today's creative hi-tech jobs will evolve into boring jobs of tomorrow. Some say that boredom is in fact necessary for the idle mind to be inspired to create.

Boredom will remain, no matter that people are doing more interesting cutting-edge things than ever. The solution is to incorporate fun into the workplace. Humour reduces stress, increases creativity, improves morale and productivity and above all eases boredom! So, if you're feeling really bored, send an email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing - 'If anybody needs me, I'll be in the toilet'. Or every time someone asks you to do something, ask them 'do you want fries with that'. Or send anonymous e-mails saying 'their giving out right now free grilled chicken with pasta salad followed by strawberry ice-cream in the canteen'. When your co-workers come back complaining that there was none, just lean back in your armchair, pat your stomach, and say, 'Huh - you've got to be faster than that! '

VOCABULARY

clicking - producing short, sharp ticking sounds with a computer mouse
scrolling - moving text/graphics up or down or from side to side in order to view data that cannot all be seen on a monitor at the same time
dripping - falling in drops
bum - the buttocks
broom-pusher - cleaner
cashiers - people who have charge of the receiving and paying of money
clerical - relating to general office work
dosh - money
cutting-edge - an area of study that breaks new ground, effects change and development
fries - French fries (fried potato sticks), as served at McDonald's
canteen - a restaurant attached to an office, factory etc.
pat - to delicately strike with the palm of the hand

How much is the "sickie" draining your company?

How many slackers this year have phoned in on Monday or Friday complaining of a sore throat, cold, flu, toothache, migraine, back pain - and so on? You know damn well their telling porkies to get that long weekend off - but at least they could be more imaginative and original! i. e. - "The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet" or "I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? '

Your HR department manager has been warning you for years that employee absenteeism is getting worse. Employees are taking it as a right, just like holidays and making sure they use up their allocation. Just what are you going to do about it? If you don't act quickly - your company's going down! Look at what's happening in the world! - Mass sick leave is now being used as a tool in industrial disputes - and you know that you haven't planned any wage rises this year.

Well - you could turn to the dark side of the force and use fear to make employees work through their illnesses. But that could be counter productive. You know you're going to have to find a way without physically dragging the bored or lazy devils back to work.

Monitor your employee sickness absence records for frequency and patterns. 'Aha - that's why Geoff was always absent when Bill went on a business trip - he was having an affair with his wife! '

Return-to-work interviews are probably the most influential element in ensuring that absences are not treated casually. 'Had the flu on Friday did you? - funny how my daughter said she was dancing with you at that rave the same night'.

Why not introduce bonuses for a good attendance record? But then there may be a danger of promoting the idea that it is more than a normal requirement, i. e. your paying that lazy Grzegorz just to get out of bed in the morning!

Early recognition (bug him and his house 'Will Smith - Enemy of the State style'), effective assessment (lie detector test) and rapid intervention (shoot him) are key to managing short-term and frequent absence, and can prevent it from becoming a longer-term and more sustained problem.

VOCABULARY

the 'sickie' - a day's sick leave
draining - exhausting, diminishing
slackers - inactive (lazy) people
telling porkies - telling lies
stalk - to follow a person keeping under cover
fire - to dismiss
HR - human resources
absenteeism - the persistent habit of being absent from work
allocation - no. of days paid (sick) leave you can have in one year
sick leave - leave of absence owing to sickness
disputes - an argument, debate, quarrel
wage - regular payment made to an unskilled/ semi-skilled employee
dragging - pulling roughly and violently
monitor - to watch, check, supervise
rave - an acid house party
attendance - presence
recognition - acknowledgement
bug - to plant a concealed listening device in
assessment - examination
rapid - swift, quickly accomplished
intervention - interruption, mediation

Well, it's another week and time to look through the papers again to see what jobs they have to offer (yawn). Just remember - when you're browsing through those pages of Job Ad Jargon, the scheming devils are wanting to conceal as much as they reveal - it's like a foreign language, worse than learning Chinese!

There are just so many companies looking for someone to be flexible. But you're cleverer and you know what they really mean don't you? - that you must be prepared to rush from the Tatry Mountains to the Baltic - as well as shoot off to Kazakhstan in half an hour.

There it is again! - a dynamic individual - come on, this is recruiters' most over-used word. Is the company really dynamic or will you be the only dynamism in a really boring office!

Stimulating position for the right person or demanding environment - you know you'll be working 8 days a week. No broth on Sunday after church.

Self-starter - really means that you're on your own - thrown in at the deep end. Hope there are no sharks about!

Needs a sense of humour - does this company want to create a happy atmosphere - or trying to tell you that if you don't have a sense of humour you'll go mad!

Someone to play a key role - someone to do the filing and bring them all a cup of Jacobs Kr�nung and doughnut in the morning, or someone to save a dying brand?

A quick learner - no training, in at the deep end. Forget about that MBA!

Attractive salary and benefits package - oh really? You know they just don't know how much they must pay to get the right person. They need to see everybody's CV first.

VOCABULARY

yawn - to take a deep involuntary breath because of drowsiness, boredom, etc
browsing - reading in a casual or haphazard way
ad - advert, advertisement
jargon - the terminology of a profession
scheming - plotting, planning
conceal - to hide completely or carefully; to keep secret; to disguise
shoot off - to rush away
broth - water in which vegetables and meat, etc have been boiled, used as soup
thrown in at the deep end - plunged into a job with little/no experience
filing - arranging files/documents in an orderly way
doughnut - sweetened dough fried in fat
MBA - Master of Business Administration
salary - payment each month
benefits - company car, shares etc.

Bruce Wenham

It's a beautiful, sunny morning. Filip's walking towards the gleaming Warsaw Trade Tower for a crucial job interview at a major international corporation new on the Polish market. Get this job and it's goodbye grey block of flats in Ochota and hello villa. Not to mention that private yacht. He's absolutely scared to death - what will his wife do to him if he blows it?

Filip didn't do his homework (God help him from his wife)- but it still isn't too late for you. Who cares if you've got that wonderful CV boosting Snickers market share. If you don't back it up at the interview with some cool personal branding you can kiss goodbye to that Hawaiian beach.

Want some tips? Sure you do. Well, first of all - don't walk into the room like the hunchback of Notre Dame. Adopt a good posture: stand up nice and straight like granny's cock back in the village. Give a firm handshake - and don't be a limp loser, wet fish or bone crusher. Practise that handshake on the boys back in the pub. Retain eye contact and smile!

Don't wear an ill fitting Mr Bean suit with creased shirt. Only wear coordinating ties and shirts.

Don't wear too many colours; you won't be taken seriously. Ensure your clothing language is communicating the correct message.

Don't wear shoes that look like they've been worn by Andrzej Lepper after a hard day's work on the field - they must be clean and polished.

Don't wear those trousers you've had for 10 years. Dated clothing suggests dated thought processes. Conduct regular wardrobe audits.

Don't  show too much naked skin - this isn't Baywatch.

Groom to perfection - but not like Ronaldo's haircut in Japan !

Don't wear heavy perfumes or after shave like you did on your first sweetheart date when you were 16.

Always wear a watch (but NOT a Baby G) as this reflects punctuality.

Only use quality accessories i.e. NOT BIC pen, school notebook, TESCO plastic bag

VOCABULARY

clothing language - clothing and how we assemble it

wardrobe audits - check clothes: buy new and throw out old

groom - to smarten, clean, maintain

wet fish - somebody with moist or clammy hands

I have found a way of making your boss say anything you want. You can make him happy, sad, smile, nod, shake his head, blink, smile and frown. You can even make him say, "Marek, your total sale of Danone yoghurts last month is the highest I have ever come across in my entire career".

Or - "In fact, you are such a brilliant sales representative that I have decided you are not paid enough. Your salary is tripled, effective immediately!".

A new technology from a company in San Francisco called Pulse allows you to take a single 2D photo or other character image and create a photo-real, 3D "clone" or "veeper" of the original, complete with lip-synching and automated text-to-speech (TTS) functionality. Once created you can make it move and say whatever you like in any accent you choose.

You can see a demo at:

http://www.pulse3d.com/demos/tts/interactive/index.asp

The veeper's intended applications include email, internal communications, enhanced CRM solutions, e-commerce campaigns or for e-learning.

The idea is that it adds human touch to communication at 1/50th the size and 1/10th the cost of streaming video.

Come on - both you and me know a better application for the veeper! It's nice to be nice but it's even nicer to be nasty. Imagine all the fun you could have with all those photos of your work colleagues - all those suits, propeller heads, ponytails and techies! Heed the warning of Yoda the green Ghandi troll in Star Wars Episode II - "begun this Clone War has!"

But I can also see the office clone wars boosting morale. Not only can you get your boss to praise you for your hard work; you can make that stubborn subordinate of yours promise he is going to improve sales.

Remember how in the old days you'd stick your boss's photo on the inside of your stationary cupboard door and throw darts at him? Now you've got the veeper - don't you think that's much more sophisticated and therapeutic!

VOCABULARY

lip-synching - the synchronization of lip movements with already recorded sound

TTS - text-to-speech

CRM - customer relationship management

e-commerce - commerce on the web

e-learning - learning on the web

streaming video - An Internet data transfer technique that allows the user to see and hear audio and video files without lengthy download times. The host or source 'streams' small packets of information over the Internet to the user, who can access the content as it is received.

suit - manager, executive, CEO (Chief Executive Officer), sales representative

propeller head - programmer (VB, Delphi, XML, Perl)

ponytail - graphic artist

techies - engineers, programmers, scientists

subordinate - a person who works under another

stationary - writing-materials